Today, many healers, seekers and therapists have jumped on a dysfunctional bandwagon without realizing the systemic consequences at hand. Bert Hellinger, renowned philosopher and developer of Constellation work and Spirit-Mind movements, has reported for many, many years that there is a hidden symmetry and order to love.
As a facilitator of this modality, I must concur that I find these bold statements to be very true and will gladly help anyone explore and understand the philosophy and reasoning behind them. As always, let your heart decide what is right for you and your well-being.
Practicing the “Art of Forgiveness” can be very damaging to the so-called “forgiver” on many levels. This act of superiority may not serve their best interests no matter how well-intentioned. This superior attitude that seeks to be bigger than a perpetrator or any painful situation actually diminishes the effectiveness of release that only acceptance can consciously bring about. The “forgiver’ actually perpetuates the pain of victimization in an unhealthful way — upon themselves and, unconsciously, upon others as well.
If the desired goal is to release oneself from pain and suffering in order to heal a deep wound and move beyond an endured atrocity, the very idea of “forgiveness” becomes detrimental to both the Forgiver and the Forgiven. Systemically speaking, we would call this being “too big,” arrogant or presumptuous, as it robs the perpetrator of responsibility, whether it was our parents or any other person who has done us perceived “harm.” It also disrespects the bigger fate and destiny of our whole ancestral line. In doing so, the “forgiver” attempts to elevate him or herself to the “top” of the whole hierarchical system, as if he or she was the creator of life itself — showing pity on these poor little subjects under his or her command. In reality, the most recent addition to any larger family system has no right to judge those who came before, as they are the newer members in the larger hierarchical framework known as a family. Sure we all have our opinions and feelings, and these are in no way meant to be negated, but if anyone truly wants to break the cycle of Perpetrator/Victim, “forgiveness” is NOT the way to do it. It is then the Victim who carries both energies, thereby hurting themselves with a heavier load of toxic baggage that enslaves them to the past.
There is a way out, however, that is more simple, profound and completely healing, leading to a restoration of love, order and harmony for all concerned. This liberating state of “non-forgiveness” is simply called “ACCEPTANCE.” Can we be small enough and humble enough to acknowledge our place in the larger context of a multidimensional generation of forebears from whence we inherited our DNA? We received the Gift of Life through them despite their suffering and turmoil. This dualistic condition in which we are living provides wonder and horror equally. The key is to honor and accept life itself AS IT IS. This action of accepting imperfection (even the living dynamics of catastrophic change) will lead us back to our inner and outer harmony, providing us with dignity and strength. These qualities will only help us accept the gifts and challenges equally that life continually seems to toss in our path. It is the ACCEPTANCE of everything “as it is,” from our families to our human history, that releases us all from the chains of the past and points us toward a better tomorrow.
Just as the arrogance of “forgiveness” weakens us, the humility of “acceptance” empowers us. It is ours to decide which feels best and does the most good. Always remember, we did not create the cycle of life. We are merely participants, and our day in the Sun lasts for a very short time.
This is our chance to enjoy, transform and better ourselves and our children, just as those who came before did for us, whether we know it or not. Taking our rightful place as the smallest member of the family system allows us to evolve into something great. Honor and gratitude, along with ACCEPTANCE, breaks the cycle of slavery to which Forgiveness binds us. Our ACCEPTANCE of life AS IT IS, along with accepting our parents AS THEY ARE and our larger family system AS IT WAS, relieves us of our self-appointed role as judge and jury. To remain neutral without judgments also leads us to accept the good things we inherited more deeply. By letting those who wronged or hurt us own their own Perpetrator/Victim energy, we release ourselves from the entanglement and let the fate and responsibility rest where it belongs — with them.
This isn’t about blame or shaming others for the choices they made. It is about honoring our own part in it and the acknowledgement that with acceptance comes release. Life seems to be inherently good, as everyone who shares life has always tried to follow his or her good conscience to the best of their ability. Often such incidents occurred in a place and time predating your own creation and admission into the family system — and which, on the deepest of levels, was probably agreed to all along. Accepting these simple truths will free you and strengthen your resolve without any need to “FORGIVE.” Bow Down in thankfulness & gratitude as you ACCEPT your life as a Gift that was Given.
Bow Down to all those who came before, as they remain alive at your innermost core, seeing the world through your eyes.
Bow Down to the suffering and strife that your ancestors endured, surviving the conditions that led to your life.
Bow Down to all the pain that life may have caused, for you are the JOY of their toil and labor that can’t be ignored.
Bow Down yet again to your very own parents, even if their gifts to you were never apparent.
Bow Down to the mysteries of life that fail to make sense; it’s God’s way of showing there’s always a chance.
Bow Down to it all, no matter what you think. If you do not stop to do this, your life could be gone in a blink.
To Bow Down is a humble act of honoring those who came before. If you can’t Bow Down to your creator, then what in your life means more?